Remembering Kenny: God Spoke and Hope Emerged

After Kenny died, a dark cloud came over me that eventually appeared to snuff out any light.  Hope seemed dead and my faith in God was crumbling into ruins day by day.  There was two factors that added to this darkness.  One was another baby who had become critically ill but then became well again.  That is a good thing but for me, hearing people praise God for answering the prayers made on behalf of this baby only made me wonder all the more why God didn’t answer the prayers for Kenny.  The other factor was that a little over a year after Kenny’s death, my younger brother John also died.  He left behind a wife and two children.  It was just too much and yet, little did I know but an encounter with God was just around the corner.

This is the third part of the story: of how I discovered God again in a new way that brought a renewed faith and hope.  It is part of what makes me so passionate about the gospel of Jesus Christ and the hope it offers to a broken and hurting world.

I wish the process of healing was as linear as I am going to make it appear to be.   But that is just not how healing and renewed faith are discovered.  It tends to be a messy process that take different routes for every person.

For me, the road to healing begins with a wonderful community.  From the outset  Laura and I were surrounded by a very supportive family as well as friends from Harding University, Covenant Fellowship Church, and our Wednesday Evening Bible Study group.  I don’t know how many of those people had ever ministered to a people who had lost a child, but they were very caring and supportive in the way they treated us, listened to us, ministered to us, and so on.

I also had begun seminary at Harding School of Theology (HST).  In hind-site, I would not recommend beginning seminary right after losing a child but the community at HST also was helpful.  Over the year, as my faith continued to crumble, a couple of great things happened that kept steering me towards an encounter with God.

First, my wife and I did go through some grief counseling that was provided to us free of charge which did help my wife and I to practically help each other to grieve in more healthy ways.  Second, a friend of mine gave me a pocket knife that he had sharpened along with a story about the knife.  The story basically explained that he had bought the knife to pray for someone as he sharpened it and then God revealed to him that he was to be praying for me.  In some way, this all kept God in the picture even though God was becoming very fuzzy and frustrating.

One day I was sitting in chapel at HST and was just near the breaking point.  My brother had recently died and I was just tired.  On that particular day I heard the hymn Be Still, My Soul (see below) for the first time.  The song, which now is a favorite, eloquently expressed both the grief and pain I was reeling in as well as the hope I wanted so badly.

But hope seemed so illusive…perhaps impossible at that point.  I was tired.  I felt like a man lost in a dark cave with nothing but blackness.  I was just tired of walking in what seemed to be an endless journey of nothing but more darkness.

All I wanted to know was “Why?”  Why did my son die?  Why did God seemingly not answer the prayers?  Was he unable to or did he just not care too?  Did God even hear those prayers?  While Be Still, My Soul spoke of the hope I wanted to have, I was not even sure if there was a reason to hope in God.

As I said, I was tired and was ready to give up.  I had planned to quit seminary and even had been offered a job selling Honda cars.  But then I met John Mark Hicks, who would become both a friend and a Professor of mine.  He was speaking at HST on his own spiritual journey which included the death of his first wife and his son, Joshua, later on in life.  Despite his suffering, he spoke of a deep faith in God.  So I went up to him and asked him something about how he was able to trust in God.

What John Mark Hicks pointed me to was Romans 8:28 which says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  At first, I was sort of disappointed because far too many people had used this verse just to dismiss my grief and struggle without even taking the time to understand.  But I gave him the benefit of the doubt since he understood what I was going through.  John Mark Hicks told me to go home and read, to learn what that “good” is about.  So that night after Laura went to bed, I pulled out my Bible and began reading through Romans, reading again through Romans, and reading, and…

At some point God spoke.  Not in audible words but nevertheless I heard God speak and he said, “Rex, my good is your redemption and if you’ll trust me, I will see that good to the end even if you don’t understand how I work that all out.”  And just like that the light began to break through the darkness, hope began to emerge.  It was like a thousand pounds being lifted from my shoulders.  I no longer needed to understand or have an answer to the question of “why?” to all my questions and yet, I found myself able to trust God again.

Ten years later I am a person full of hope.  I believe God is redeeming the world in Jesus Christ, making all things new (cf. Rev 21:5) and that includes us…you…me.  I don’t understand everything about how that is happening and there are things about God which are remain mystery.  I’m ok with that.  I wish Kenny was still alive and would give almost anything to hold him just one more time.  I cannot contemplate the thought of embracing Kenny in the new heaven and new earth without some tears of joy.  Further more, as terrible as it has been to lose a son, God has used this journey to give me a faith and hope that I did not have before.  For that, I am thankful.

Thank you for reading this story, a story about Kenny and I.  But most importantly, a story about God.

*****

The following video is of the choral group Libera singing the hymn Be Still, My Soul set to a video with images of the Holocaust.

*****

See also part 1 and 2 of this “Remembering Kenny” trilogy:

13 responses to “Remembering Kenny: God Spoke and Hope Emerged

  1. Rex, I love the honesty in which you tell of your pain, grief and disbelief – not only in God’s purpose in allowing the losses, but also doubt in His promise of Romans 8:28… coming from well-meaning people who quote this so often. It unfortunately becomes a pat response before they all go back to their lives again. I’m thankful you found hope in God again by probably one of the greatest insights He gives us… this life is all for the purpose of Redemption through Jesus and ultimately all for His Glory and we’re part of His story in setting things right again. It seems it is only through suffering that this makes sense and where hope rises up from. Thankful for preachers like yourself and one I call brother.

  2. I appreciate this series of posts about the loss of your child and the honesty conveyed in your emotions through the tragedy, acceptance, & healing. I think those, like myself, who haven’t personally experienced the loss of a child will still gain a lot of understanding about handling loss & struggles with faith during darkness. May God continue to bless you by using this event to proclaim that His love is one of healing.

    • Thank you very much. One thing I hope this story does is give courage to all who find themselves struggling with doubt…courage to keep walking/living even when it seems pointless to carry on.

  3. As I read this today (as i was avoiding getting out of bed!) I remembered how I wanted so badly to help during this time but just didn’t have any words. Troy and I prayed and prayed for your family. I praise God for your healing and the blessings awaiting you on the other side of the toughest part of your grief. Big hugs to you and Laura!!

    • You and I know that sometimes there are no words to speaks (so did the Psalmist in Psalms 77:4). But I remember when Troy and you showed up at the viewing and that you had driven all the way from southwester Oklahoma back to Searcy, Arkansas…that meant more to Laura and I than words can say. Thank you very much!

  4. Rex, I delayed reading this trilogy of posts … I knew it would be heartbreaking. And it was. I cried all the way through it. I cried for you and your wife, I cried for me and my wife. Earlier today I cried as I heard of a 3 year old that died in a pool accident. I also cried as I looked at the picture of my son and wished I could talk to him and hug him. Must be one of those days. I am about to go to our Compassionate Friends meeting tonight and I will share your story with them … i’m printing it out now. God bless you Rex… you certainly are a man of strong faith.

    • Thank you for reading…especially knowing that it would be difficult for you to read. It will be so amazing when we both can talk to our sons again and give them that hug. I hope this trilogy of posts on Kenny will be an encouragement to your companions at Compassionate Friends.

  5. Pingback: Remembering Kenny: The Joy of My Son’s Life! | Kingdom Seeking

  6. Pingback: Remembering Kenny: God, Where Were You? | Kingdom Seeking

  7. Pingback: Do You Believe? | Kingdom Seeking

  8. Pingback: Be A Missionary | Kingdom Seeking

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s